Too hot, too cold, just right: Staying open to our experience

I have fond memories of the Goldilocks fairy tale. As a child, my curiosity grew from the anticipation of what would happen to Goldilocks when she was discovered by the bears — the suspense held my interest. The fact that she liked medium warm porridge wasn’t so revelatory at the time — the lessons of the just right porridge took me 35 more years to understand.

As an adult the tale intrigues me because of what it says about a balanced approach to being in the world — specifically how it relates to the ideas, beliefs and attitudes we hold on to and how we choose to move through the world with those “preferences”. I say preferences because that is all they really are at the end of the day — some have more resonance, but they are all just a collection of ideas about ourselves.

Our sense of self is formed around our thoughts, feelings, attitudes, values and actions. These may be very narrow or very broad — ego-centric, ethno-centric, world-centric, to name some possible vantage points — there are many others of varying degrees along a broad spectrum. These vantage points can change with time — ether expanding or a-typically contracting. From the vantage of point of “Me”, they always shape our view of our world.

There is another quality to our sense of self, however, that isn’t rooted solely in our vantage point. You may have noticed that your ideas about yourself change with time and context. This change can happen almost imperceptibly or very quickly for some. Why do some people change quickly while others more slowly?

Let’s come back to our fairy tale. Let’s imagine a situation where Goldilocks is dead set that all she likes is tongue scolding porridge. That story has a very quick and decisive ending. You may be saying “well good, she knows what she likes”. True that. That can be a wonderful skill — clear and decisive action. But where does decisiveness grow from? Experimentation and flexibility. A child doesn’t learn to walk comfortably upright through decisiveness, they learn to walk through stumbling, fumbling and exploration — fluidity creates focus, like a river adapting to a narrowing channel and then expanding again as space allows.

But where does decisiveness grow from? Experimentation and flexibility.

Consider how much intolerance is cultivated when we take a no holds barred approach to our ideas and beliefs about ourselves and others. You may have felt that friction in your own emotional experience, being at odds within yourself, or in the experience of being at odds with others. Most of us will relentlessly defend our values and beliefs. But at what emotional cost? At what cost to our growth and development.

Knowing what we value and what we believe can serve us very well — it outlines our purpose and helps to carve a life path. Holding on so tightly to those values to the point where we literally squeeze the life out of our experience can be hazardous to our development and to our need to be adaptive across a range of contexts and choices. A “just right” or middling disposition creates space. Space for creativity and exploration, for testing the waters on who we are, and dipping our spoon into a range of experiences in a process of endless becoming.